Another big one ...

So Jeannette got me thinking about irrational fears and here is my very biggest fear ..
I'm afraid of heaven! it doesn't seem right I know but I fear eternity as I look around a world that is designed to decompose, decay and cease to exist (not that is a pleasant alternative!) My mind cannot fathom a heaven that has been under construction for the last 2 millennium while earth and our universe took only 6 days.

I'm also deathly afraid of God. I'm afraid to approach His throne and give an account of every minute. He knows the good works he prepared for me to walk in and he knows the times I've "known the good I ought to do and didn't do it". It gives me comfort to know that Jesus understands our weakness but I can just hear John Piper telling me "Don't Waste your Life" I sometimes feel that at the age of 28 I should have more to show for the 10510 days I've spent on earth (not including leap year).

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be great, I don't necessarily want to leave a lasting mark on the pages of history, I don't even have to be all that special or important. I just want to be able to look at my life and know that I tried to use and hone my talents for God's glory, express my gifts in the church and share the gospel at every opportunity.

Not only do I feel like I haven't done any of that, I feel like I am just barely taking care of the basics. Why it takes a whole exhausting day to clean the house (when I left it clean before going to sleep!), cook 3 nutritious meals for my kids, take care of some of their most pressing emotional, physical and spiritual needs, and take care of my husband's expressed needs before going to bed and starting over, is beyond me.

Sunday's sermon on (one of my favorites!) Psalm 39 got me thinking

vs4-5,7 Oh Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days, let me know how fleeting I am! Behold you have made my days a few hands breadths and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath! Surely man goes about as a shadow.

I feel like I have always had David's perspective in these few verses without his perspective in verse 7

And now, Oh Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

I lack that "Christian carrot" that all believers are supposed to look forward to. Some verses that come to mind are (not even a fraction of the list in my concordance)

Phil 3:20 "but our citizenship is in heaven"
Col 1:5 Paul "thank(s) God ... because of the hope laid up for you in heaven"
I Peter 1:3-9 our hope is in salvation, our inheritance is in heaven and .. "in this you rejoice"

So why do I continue in my Christian walk if I avoid the "prize" and the terrible and awesome delight of being with God at the end of my life? Because deep down I long for God, I long to please Him, know Him, love Him and because of my love, serve Him. Sometimes I get so caught up in my failure that I stifle the Holy Spirit's leading and prefer to remain distant and autonomous rather than go through the joyful and painful process of being conformed to his likeness.

Praise God that (Phil 1:6)
"He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

"Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory majesty, dominion, and authority before all time and now and forever. Amen"
Jude 24